Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My name is Jenny and I have a problem.

So I still seem to be in summer mode these days. I feel like I just have so many other things I'd rather do and think about than my readings.   Classes have already started and the readings are piling up. I have tried maybe 3 or 4 times to sit down and focus on my readings. If I wasn't in summer mode, I would've tried at least 5 times or so. Most of the readings are unbearable, with the exception of the readings for my Assessment of Mental Disorders class which currently consists of reading the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual). The text is so interesting! This is the text that all psychologist, psychiatrists, counselors, and the like use to diagnose clients. David and I have already tried diagnosing ourselves. Turns out that David doesn't have OCD. I knew it! David just wanted to be cool and have a disorder. Silly guy. David just started school recently as well. He says he feels much better about starting his second year than he did his first. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS! I've felt so badly for David because his first year was really intimidating.
I digress.
Since I haven't been able to focus on my readings, I've been sewing. I've been able to get a lot faster these days. Yay for progress!

In other news, I just started my internship at Valle del Sol. It's a behavioral health agency and methadone clinic. I am loving it so far! It's so fun to finally be able to see what it is like to be a clinician, instead of just studying about it.  Being there has actually inspired me to practice my Spanish and become more fluent in the language. I'm hoping to run my own groups in Spanish by the end of the semester. We'll see how it goes...
It's just weird.
I feel like the older I get, the more I'm starting to realize that I have some sort of anxiety disorder. It's definitely not as serious as one you may find in the DSM, but I know it's there! I didn't even realize until this last summer that I have anxiety problems-thank you, Child and Family Support Services. Anxiety seriously wreaks havoc on my body-I'll spare you the details! You're welcome.

I keep stressing myself out. Not over school work, but over important life decisions. I find myself stressing out about my profession and if I'm even going to have one. I'm worried that I'm not going to be good at it. I'm worried that I'll prefer being a mom to being a working woman and that people will look down on me for it, including myself. I keep thinking that I should "do something with my life" because I've gone to school for all these years and have accumulated so much debt that is rising each and every day due to interest. 

I've also been stressing about the idea of being a parent one day.  Another post about this? Really? I know. Motherhood is not around the corner for me, but one day my time will come. I ended up having a breakdown today while talking to David because I started wondering if I could be a parent because... let's be honest.. "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!"

I was stalking a friend who just had a baby and I started thinking about how having babies is supposed to be so natural and your motherly instincts just kick in when motherhood comes.  At least, I am assuming so. I'm afraid I won't have those motherly instincts.

A part of me thinks I could be an amazing mom. I'm just so domestic! haha. Jokes. 
That part says, well I've read about women in the Bush going behind a hut and having their babies without a peep. They would just walk off by themselves. So I start thinking that I could do that too. I don't even have to be quiet! I could scream my lung out if I wanted. But then I start thinking that they also would go days without food and eat berries and plants. If I go past 12 pm without a meal I'm ready to bite someone's head off, so I probably don't have as much will power as they do. Then I start to thinking, "Well I know Heavenly Father wants us multiply and replenish, so I know He'll make sure things work out the way that they're supposed to". Unfortunately, that thought quickly leaves because my worrisome nature kicks in.

Okay... so David just came in and talked to me again after another breakdown. I feel so much better now.

1 comment:

  1. stressing is just going to stress you out more. you can't really prepare for parenthood but once it comes you figure it out. a babies never been a baby before either so its all new to everyone. every baby is different and you'll figure out what's best for your baby and know better than anyone else how to take care of that baby. also, don't worry about preferring being a mom over a career women. nothing is more important than raising children. and i can't believe what a sewer you are these days. i've been dying to make a couple different skirts, i think this just motivated me.


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