It's now about 1: 30 and I'm really not tired AT ALL
Fortunately, I don't have school or internship tomorrow so I guess I'm okay. It's just a little annoying and it kinda makes me look like some super intense blogger because it's so stinkin' early!!!
and... change of subject:
Lately I have been reflecting on my life, as I usually do, and I cannot help but come to one conclusion. ( Clarification: Well I come to many conclusions about many different things, but there is one in particular that I want to talk about. I don't just have like one conclusion a week or anything weird like that.)
I just can't help noticing that..... I'M weird!
I think my parents have always kind of known and just didn't want to break it to my poor little weird self.
I also think that I am a little social awk (awkward).
I totally read into things because I try to receive feedback from other people and when I don't feel like I'm getting any good responses, I freak out! Not really on the outside. I don't suddenly run around the room screaming or anything, but I start feeling really.... awkward on the inside.
There are been some times when I've had an awkward conversation (or sometimes lack of conversation) and I think "Boy, that conversation was awkward, but maybe it's not me. Maybe it's THEM!"
Like earlier this last year.
David and I had just moved into our new ward (Sorry. church lingo for all of you who don't know anything about the LDS church. It basically means: my church building. I guess I could've just said that....) and we were trying to meet new people because this ward is where we're going to be the new 3+ years. There was one girl in particular who has a really cute baby. I wanted to be around that baby so I decided to talk to her. I know. Probably not totally nice of me to want to befriend someone to hold their baby, but seriously, this kid is adorable! Plus, most of the other people around at the time were about 60+ years old. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. I love old people. I just want friends who are my age, give or take 5 years.)
So I tried talking to this chick and we get nowhere.
I find myself trying to comment about the hymn we're singing, the handwriting on the chalkboard, ANYTHING, but I was getting no response. She would sometimes give me an awkward smile, but that was about it. I tried talking to her a few more times and each time I got more panicked on the inside. For weeks I started thinking that maybe because I was married now and have spent a lot of time with just a handful of people that I just becoming more socially awkward.
I decided that it was okay because D and I just moved in from Utah. Utah can be like a bubble at times. But it's not like I've lived in Utah my whole life. I figured I could just hang around some people and the social awkwardness would just leave me. It's just temporary. Or so I thought.....
dun. dun. DUNNNN!
This week I have had a few experiences that made me realize that I'm just a weirdie.
Like actually saying that I'm a little weird because I love studying abnormal psychology and serious mental illness like schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder. Multiple personality disorder is probably my favorite disorder. You should definitely watch Sybil. It's so interesting! My teacher decided to correct me and call me "quirky". I've googled the word! The thesaurus says: unconventional. Okay, I can handle that. I sometimes like being different. It also says: unorthodox. Sounds alright, I suppose. But then it starts saying words like strange, bizarre, outlandish, wacky, freaky, and kooky. OUCH!
Might as well call me "Creeper".
WHICH I AM NOT!
Weird? Quite possibly. Well... I'm like 96% certain of that. My husband like the word "crazy" instead.
Trying to give my friend, Amy, an air five when we were only about 3 feet away, if that. Definitely within arm's length. It's not like I'm a germophobe.
Being at a girls camp meeting and having no one to talk to while all the other leaders are talking to each other. I felt like I was in high school again, except worse. Boy did I feel like a loserface. I tried standing around the conversations and tried to join in, but there were some conversations that I just had nothing to add. So instead I just stood and stared. Not really at anyone or anything. I just kept moving my head so as to appear like I was trying to find someone. I found myself just finally saying to the closest person near me that I knew, "Well... I guess it's okay to leave now...?" after people had already been leaving for at least 5 minutes.
The other day in class we had some time to just talk to some of our group members.
At first, I was fine.
After a while I noticed that I was completely hogging the conversation and so I mentioned that I was talking a lot, but instead I said, "Oh, look at me, I'm talking so much. I'm just like "blah, blah, blah" and I made hand gestures of people talking. She just looked at me briefly and laughed a short. awkward. laugh.
So here it is people.
I'm just going to admit it.
I am weird.
Maybe I should just change my blog title to "the super awkward adventures of jenny lake". Maybe that would be a better fit?
and you know what.
now that I have admitted it to myself
because at the end of the day I'm still weird.
It's not like having a cold or an irritating feeling in your throat. That goes away. Hopefully.
I will have serious mental scars because of my weirdness. I may even embarrass my future children. GASP!
alright alright, I'm kidding. I doubt I'll have serious mental scars, but I WILL feel embarrassed at times!
Anyway, for all you fellow weirdos out there.....
Just kidding. hehe.............heh......